Others Who Don’t Agree

Below are excerpts and a list from a site run by a woman who impresses me greatly.
Thank you.

It’s one thing for those of us outside the fundamentalist Christian/Christian home-schooling world to point fingers at the Pearls and voice outrage at their methods. What really matters, and what stands to have actual impact, is the outrage inside the Pearls’ world. And right now, more than ever, an anti-Pearl movement within the conservative Christian community is rising up in heated, if sometimes whispered, fury. Some say — even pray — that Lydia Schatz’s death will bring Michael and Debi Pearl exactly the kind of attention they deserve.  (Source)

Just reposting her list to this blog for the sake of wide distribution:

Those who are issuing warnings:

World Magazine Commentary: To Brainwash a Parent
Evangelical, conservative news magazine

Timberdoodle Co.: Discipline and Murder
Homeschool supply company

Bradenton SHARE: Support Homeschool Activities Reaching Everyone
Detailed e-mail to all members and friends

Home Education Magazine: Bring Back the Boycott
Homeschool magazine since 1984

Matthew Raley, Tritone Life: Is Michael Pearl Responsible For a Girl’s Death?
Senior pastor of the Evangelical Free Church in Orland, CA

Karen Campbell, ThatMom: Child Abuse in the Name of Jesus
Update on Lydia Schatz and Why It Is Not About Spanking
Pearls and Authoritarian Parenting
An Open Letter to my Brothers and Sisters in Christ Who Serve in Leadership to Homeschooling Families
Homeschool mom, grandmother, conference speaker, podcaster

Karen Ehman: Box Bashing
Homeschool mom, author, speaker

Rob Shearer: Tragedy in a Homeschooling Family
Homeschool father of 11 children, church elder, Director of the Francis Schaeffer Study Center, co-founder of Greenleaf Press homeschool materials publisher

Randy Greenwald: Hermeneutics, Life, and Death
Pastor, homeschool father of six

Samuel Martin
Religious Scholar

Barbara Curtis, MommyLife: Lydia Schatz: shame on Mike and Debi Pearl!
Michael Pearl Laughs at His Critics, No Apology for Dead Children
Growing Outrage at Michael Pearl and his Response to Child’s Death
Cult Characteristics and the Pearls
Mom of 12 (bio, adopted and special needs), grandma of 10, author and Montessori teacher

Carol, Parenting Freedom: Murder by Discipline
Murdering Children into Submission
Homeschool mom, researcher

Angel, Rutledge6: Tragic Death of Lydia Schatz
Author of “Liberian Adoption: Preparing for Your Child’s Homecoming”

Megan, SortaCrunchy: When Extremists are Taken to the Extreme
Mom, author, editor-in-chief of Simple Kids

Elizabeth Esther: How Many More Children Must Die?
Mother, Writer, grew up in abusive fundamentalist church

Kathy, Quiet Garden: When Parenting Kills – What Can We Do?
Christian Ethics in Parenting
When Parenting Kills – Update
When Parenting Kills – A Challenge to Men
More Christians Speaking Out Against the Pearls
Michael Pearl Responds
Homeschool veteran, mentor, website designer

Benediction: Michael and Debi Pearl Linked to Another Child Abuse Death
Canadian, Christian, broadcast journalist

API Speaks: Parent Support is Prevention
Attachment Parenting International official blog

Anne, Muse Mama: Bring Back the Boycott
Fighting the Pearls’ Teachings
The Value of Gentle Mothering
The Pearls are Wrong
Giving Up on To Train Up A Child
Homeschool mom, nurse, tried and rejected the Pearls’ teachings

Karen Braun, Spunky Homeschool: Senseless Deception
Homeschool mom of 6, freelance writer, homeschool advocate

Wade Burleson, When Child Training Leaves to Abuse and Murder: Pearls of Wisdom for Concerned Parents
Baptist pastor, Oklahoma

Anne, Birth in Ukraine
Missionary, Homeschool mom, birth educator

Arni, I Think I Believe: Why I Will Never Spank My Daughter
Father, theology student, musician

Paul Mathers: In Which I Talk About the Terrible Event
Quoted in Salon, knows the Schatz family

Laurie, Beauty for Ashes: In Which I Speak the Unspeakable
Knows the Schatz family

Sparrow’s Nest Academy: I’m Burning All the Books by the Pearls
Homeschool mom of seven

Debra, Random Thoughts: Another Death Attributed to the Pearls
Homeschool mom of four

Aaron, Must Follow: Christians Unite Against Child Abuse

Judy, Wanna Walk Along: Even a Child Can Recognize Injustice
Popular, Pervasive, Controversial
Abhorrence Hits Me
Grandmother, Christian

Lisa, HomeSpun Life: Fundamental Discipline
Time to Speak Up, Even if it is Hard
Homeschool mom, former Pearl supporter


Smith Soup: From Another Mamma with a Heart for Liberia

Christian, Mom to 14 adopted and bio- children

Betsy, Just Another Clay Pot: Christian Brainwashing?
The World’s Most Dangerous People
Homeschool mom

Virginia, Come, Weary Moms: Child Discipline or Child Abuse?
Adding Your Voices about Child Abuse
Mother of ten, publisher of Hope Chest Home School News

Dana, Roscommon Acres: The Pearls, Abuse, and a False Gospel
In Defense of the Pearls: Some Thoughts
Homeschool mom of five

Hillary, Quivering Daughters: How Many More Little Girls Need to Die?
Heartbroken
Author of “Quivering Daughters | When Jesus Weeps ~ True Stories of Women, Authoritarianism, and the Fundamentalist Life”

The Journey: This is the Reason Why, In Jesus Name

WaterLilly: Spanking in Anger Isn’t the Problem
WaterLilly: Michael Pearl Laughs at Critics

Myrrh, Savouring Grace: Calling All Christian Families and Those Who Minister to Them

Hippie Housewife: Disciplined to Death

MamaChesire: Without Breath to Complain

MiaZagora’s Homeschool Minutes: Michael and Debi Pearl Books and Child Abuse

Vyckie, No Longer Qivering: No Greater Joy Ministries and Child Abuse
No Laughing Matter: Michael Pearl & His Chicken Mock Critics

Luci: Hold Fast

GCM Statement: It is Time to Speak Out Against the Teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl

Dr. Momma, Peaceful Parenting:
No Greater Joy Ministries “Biblical” Parenting Couple Beats Child to Death

Monica, Attachment Mama: Why Parenting Support is So Critical

Linda, Parent at the Helm: Speaking Up

Jessica, Everyday Rebel: Woman, Uncensored

Jay Allen, The Zero Boss: Michael and Debi Pearl’s “Expert” Parenting Advice is Killing Children

Therese, Keeping Along Joyfully: Christian Homeschoolers, Please Read

Eight is NOT Enough: An Open Letter

Kimberly, Raising Olives: The Pearls and Your Child’s Heart

No Greater Joy Children
New website analyzing NGJ teachings

Speaking out in the Local Community:

1. Local Homeschool Group: Intense warning to parents about the Pearl’s parenting materials

2. Greenville Church: Women’s group leader issuing warning about Pearl’s parenting materials

3. Women’s Bible study, discussion of this issue

4. Lindsey, Lutheran – Missouri Synod, homeschooling mom, speaking out online.

5. Sarah, Christian, supervisor for a local mental health agency in Arizaon, discussing with staff, recognizing similar language in parents and foster parents, devising best ways to address it.

6. A Virginia homeschool group removing all links to the Pearls / NGJ from their website.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/cathy-harris/michael-pearl-we-are-not-laughing-and-jesus-is-not-laughing-either/346955103009

http://sharperiron.org/filings/3-5-10/14098

http://eaandfaith.blogspot.com/2010/03/lydia-child-pearls-laugh-at.html

http://bearolemodel.blogspot.com/2010/03/movement-speaking-out-against-pearls.html

http://yahoo.com/bancorporalpunishmentofchildren/?yguid=328760158

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/america39s-behind–ban-the-physical-assault-of-children

http://watchmansbagpipes.blogspot.com/2010/01/to-train-up-child.html

http://watchmansbagpipes.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-train-up-child-follow-up.html

No Laughing Matter: Michael Pearl’s Callous Response to Critics — No Longer Qivering:

http://www.homeedmag.com/newscomm/4364/baby-whips-bring-back-the-boycott/

http://hermanalinda.witnesstoday.org/MyArguments.htm

http://www.tulipgirl.com/index.php/2010/02/who-is-speaking-out-against-abuse/

Bed Wetting | Enuresis

The trouble with bed wetting is that it’s annoying, for everybody.  Often it is not associated with anything “wrong”, but simply the system is asleep, on a couple different levels.

There are instances, however, when something else is occurring that is responsible in full or part for the difficulty these children have during the night.

Debi Pearl reflects on her own story ->True Confessions of a Bed-Wetter

In this article, she “confesses” her own struggle with bed wetting as a child.  She talks of the shame she felt, and of the way her mother simply supported her until her body adjusted and maintained itself through the night.

Many of you have written us about the problem of your older children wetting their beds. Through our extensive social outreach we have persuaded one of these tormented souls to go public with her confession. You will read in her very own words the chronicle of her bitter struggle to rise above domestic shame and a wet mattress. – Debi Pearl, NGJ

My initial, gut response to this is that bed wetting, while embarrassing, should never result in the sentiments expressed here as domestic shame.  To be embarrassed is different than to feel shame. Though they go hand in hand, one is more extreme than the other.

My other initial reaction is that, if this person suffered this as a child, and then married and maintains herself within the teachings of this group, what else has gone on to contribute to her warped way of viewing life.

_____________________________

Overview

Nocturnal enuresis is a condition in which a person who has bladder control while awake urinates while asleep. The condition is commonly called bedwetting and it often has a psychological impact on children and their families. Continue reading

Michael Pearl’s Grandchildren Laugh

They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that’s me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don’t care why just as long as he laughs with them.  (Source)

Why you ask?  Because they know that it’s their only reprieve and that at any moment they’ll do something that, even if they meant no harm by it, triggers the spanking to begin again.

MICHAEL PEARL LAUGHS AT CRITICS 2

It has come to may attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love. Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative—entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements.

When your children finally find an honest mechanic or a trustworthy homebuilder, it will be one of ours. When your children apply for a job it will be at a company our children founded. When they go to a doctor, it will be one of our Christian children that heals them with cutting edge innovation. When your adult kids go for therapy it will be one of our kids-become-psychologist that directs them to the couch and challenges them to release their self-loathing and embrace hope for a better tomorrow.

Blog Author’s Note: There is an interesting principle that states that often people who struggle internally will project their own feelings, thoughts, confidences, and insecurities onto others. When the person doing the projecting either needs to bolster their own damaged self-esteem by appearing more intelligent than they are, or “cover over” and redirect focus away from the very thing they struggle with the most, they will project these concerns onto others, in a variety of fashions.

If this sort of behavior is occurring and the person doing the projection (the offender) is confronted, they will most often deny, become hostile, and repeat the behavior in an intensified manner.

When your children grow old and realize their mortality and seek to make peace with their Creator, it will be one of our children that shares with them the message of God’s love and forgiveness.

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—my 17 grandkids—are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time. They laugh when Daddy is coming home. The laugh when it is time to do more homeschooling. They laugh when it is time to practice the violin and piano. They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that’s me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don’t care why just as long as he laughs with them.

We aren’t hearing from any of these children that disagree with their family’s methods; the fear and confusion, and brainwashing that has been instilled in them keeps them silent.  I pray that one of them, as he or she grows, will have the courage to eventually speak out.  I suspect it won’t happen in the first generation, but the grandchildren stand a chance.  It won’t be until they’re grown either, for fear of the beating and excommunication they surely face, but it will happen.  The human spirit, even if repeatedly broken in childhood, can and does prevail.  There is hope, little ones.  The rest of the world sees how delusional and abusive this group of people really are.

My granddaughters laugh with joy after giving their baby dolls a spanking for “being naughty” because they know their dolls will grow up to be the best mamas and daddies in the world—just like them.

From an adult who has spoken:  “I struggled with this double message as a child. I feel a deep sense of shame as I remember hitting and torturing my dolls and Barbies when no one was around. I needed some way to express the fear, pain, and sexual confusion I felt inside; yet my childish mind couldn’t comprehend the significance of what I was doing.

People all around the world, in places like Russia, China, Germany, New Zealand, Guatemala, Peru, Africa, and fifty other countries are laughing with joy because after applying the Biblical principles found in our books they finally have happy and obedient children.

They have obedient children because their children are terrified to behave any differently.  This is not a victory!  People, if you believe that the perceived positive behavior is a result of this method, you are correct.  Children are not stupid.  They will not intentionally put themselves into a position of disgusting and destructive treatment by those they are supposed to love and trust.

Listen to me.  Spanking may be your chosen method, but you are still using a striking motion, and you’re using humiliation as a tactic to gain obedience.  Regardless of your reasons, or beliefs based on your interpretation of the bible.  Understand that I disagree respectfully with this choice; I was spanked and I remember it much more vividly than does my mother who did the spanking.  However, I am able to respect your decisions to the degree that your children are not being tormented, even a TINY bit..

We are do not have the right to raise our children as we please, it is not a right, it is a responsibility that we raise them to be safer, more secure, more intelligent, and more peaceful and tolerant than the last generation.  None of us like war but we are teaching our children to continue war if we don’t teach tolerance and acceptance of humanities differences.  This is a fine line, however, and not one that I am equipped to enter a debate over right now.

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken….

No dog on the planet deserves to be tormented by these people, any more than the children do.

Spank Him Again! If he keeps crying, spank him again! Rebelious 2 Year Old – BE QUIET!

I’d like to encourage you to take a moment and read a short dialogue that discusses the value of valuing others, and the value of validating children.
An Example of Validating a Child’s Feelings – “I want Mama!” – Click for article

And now, the opposing example: A bit of background.. The child in the story that follows from the NGJ site is two years old during this event.
This story describes abuse, and is horrid, so please be warned.

Blog Author’s Note: A child of this age cannot grasp fully what is happening during most of his day, especially when he’s tired, hungry, in need of comfort or security, in a strange or uncomfortable place, or otherwise simply needs the reassurance and love of those he trusts. This is the worst time a parent can betray the trust of the child by terrorizing him instead of attending to his needs. The responses and results this child produces are not due to what Mr. Pearl believes; this child is not a brat, or a manipulating little rebel, but a child with some need that he’s trying to communicate. Due to the terror this method (NGJ) produces, and the child’s loss of trust of the most precious kind (that of his parents), he cannot do anything but try to self-console and SURVIVE this trauma and horrible event, with his undeveloped brain that cannot properly comprehend any of it.

Source

Late one night we were riding back from a seminar when the little fellow noticed that he was on the other end of the seat from his mother—with other siblings between them. He was riding in a restraining seat and whined to sit in his mother’s lap. The father SUGGESTED that it would be best if he stayed strapped into his restraining seat. The mother began to sympathetically explain why she couldn’t hold him. Based on past experiences, he knew that this was just the opening round. Their rejection of his proposal was only tentative. He was just testing the waters to see if they would yield. If by continual insistence he should demonstrate how very important this issue was to him, they would eventually come around to seeing it his way. As he pleaded further, asking for water, I could see that the mother was feeling guilty for not being close to “HER BABY”. Didn’t his tears demonstrate how important this was to his emotional well-being? After six or eight rounds, it finally reached the brokenhearted crying stage.

Mother was reaching for her baby when the father turned to me and asked, “What should I do?” Again I explained the principle: by allowing the child to dictate terms through his whining and crying, you are confirming his habit of whining and consenting to his technique of control. So I told the daddy to tell the boy that he would not be allowed to sit in his mother’s lap, and that he was to stop crying. Of course, according to former protocol, he intensified his crying to express the sincerity of his desires. The mother was ready to come up with a compromise. “He was hungry. He was sleepy. He was cold.” Actually, he was a brat, molded and confirmed by parental responses. I told the father to stop the car and without recourse give him three to five licks with a switch. After doing so the child only screamed a louder protest. This is not the time to give in. After two or three minutes driving down the road listening to his background wails, I told the father to COMMAND the child to stop crying. He only cried more loudly. At my instruction, without further rebuke, the father again stopped the car, got out, and spanked the child. Still screaming (the child, not the rest of us), we continued for two minutes until the father again commanded the child to be quiet. Again, no response, so he again stopped the car and spanked the child. This was repeated for about twenty miles down a lonesome highway at 11:00 on a winter night.

When the situation began to look like a stalemate, the mother suggested that the little fellow didn’t understand. I told the father to command the boy to stop crying immediately or he would again be spanked. The boy ignored him until Father took his foot off the gas, preparatory to stopping. In the midst of his crying, he understood the issues well enough to understand that the slowing of the car was a response to his crying. The family was relieved to have him stop and the father started to resume his drive. I said “No; you told him he was to stop crying immediately or you would spank him; he waited until you began stopping. He has not obeyed; he is just beginning to show confidence in your resolve. Spank him again and tell him that you will continue to stop and continue to spank until you get instant compliance.” He did. The boy was smart. He may not have feared Mama. His respect for Daddy was growing, but that big hairy fellow in the front seat seemed to be more stubborn than he was, and with no guilt at all. This time, after the spanking, when Daddy gave his command, the boy dried it up like a paper towel. The parents had won, and the boy was the beneficiary.

Now you may wonder why I did not tell the father to tell the boy that he was going to spank him until he stopped crying, and not resume driving until he had stopped. Never put yourself in the place where you may lose the contest. What if the boy didn’t stop? Would you spank him forever, or would you stop when it bordered on abuse, in which case the child would win? Your word would fall to the ground; you gave in before he did. You would have actually hardened his resolve to rebel. Furthermore, when a child is being spanked and shortly thereafter, he may be too emotionally wrought to make responsible decisions. Our concern is not just to silence the child, but to gain voluntary submission of his will through respect for our command.

Blog Author’s Note: Silencing a two year old… the best way to do this is to assess what they need, determine their cause, and act accordingly.  Not terrorize and hurt them.  They are not out to make your life horrid, even if it feels like it sometimes. They are tiny people without the skill or ability to cope and manage in an adult world.  Why does this group seem to think that we must begin in infancy to destroy our children, so that they will not become embarrassments and inconveniences.

Father tells the boy to stop crying or he will stop the vehicle and spank. Father stops, spanks; the child cries, and the father resumes the drive. He waits three to five minutes, ignores the crying and continues to talk as if all is well. Five minutes later, the father again commands the child to stop crying. By this time there is no lingering pain and he has had time to quiet his emotions and reflect on the parental mandate: “Stop crying or get a spanking.”

Again the father commands the child to stop crying or he will receive a spanking. The child continues crying only because he assumes that the status quo continues. That is, he is not at all convinced that the father means what he says. Judging from past experiences, he is sure that he will win this contest eventually. By breaking it up into several sessions, the father is reprogramming the child—Father commands with a threat; child disobeys; Father carries out threat; child loses and suffers the consequences; it is an unpleasant experience; repeat all of above five to ten times. The child concludes: There is a new order; Father is consistent; he always means what he says; I cannot win; there is no alternative to instant obedience. Get smart, be a survivor, just say no to self-will.

Blog Author’s Note: The value of breaking the will and spirit of our children.  Please refer to this entry, which contains a story of a woman who writes of her own experiences.

I, for one, do not believe my child should have to become a survivor – that’s my job.  I will not only keep her alive and surviving in every way I possibly can,  but I will endeavor to allow her to thrive in every way I can.  In fact, I can’t even fathom having this thought of my own child. BUT if the child were an abuse victim, an orphan on the streets, or in a situation of extreme poverty, I would probably have the thought that this was an extremely strong child, a “survivor”, with an amazing self-will.  And if in my power, I would do anything to change this little person’s circumstances, love them dearly, and teach them to love.

I will seek additional material related to the all encompassing harm and destruction that occurs when a parent or care-giver, or abuser, is bent on, and accomplishes breaking  a child.  I will go one step further, step out of my character, and even find Biblical references that instruct in an opposing manner – to never destroy a child’s spirit.

The beauty of this kind of contest is that when the parents conquer, it applies across the board. The child is not just yielding to the circumstances; he is yielding to his parents. The rebel in him is dying. This submission will translate into every aspect of their relationship.

Blog Author’s Note: That isn’t all that is dying… Early Childhood Trauma

The child has learned that the parents have more resolve than he does. They are not liars. When they say stop or else, they mean it. There is no way to bend the parents; their word is final.

….There are those of you who will think that the twenty miles of spanking was cruel. Remember, this was not a daily event; it was a war to end all wars. The spankings were not wild, violent affairs. They were not greatly painful—to the child, that is. They were done in quiet calm and dignity. It is not the severity of the spanking but the certainty of it that gives it persuasive power. Our object in spanking is not to cause the child to so fear the pain that he obeys. It is to gain the child’s attention and give him respect for the parent’s word. I know that there are abusive, angry parents out there who, through their own inconsistency, find themselves in a position where they excessively spank every day. Spanking should just be the early part of a training program. It is our consistency that trains. The rod just gives credibility to our word. If your word is not credible, no amount of the rod will ever be effective. You will become abusive. If you feel abusive, you probably are. Get counsel and advice from a close friend who has a Biblical perspective on child training.

First, if you feel you are bordering on something that feels abusive with your child, do not seek the counsel of a close friend because this is not going to result in an objective review and perspective of your situation. Close friends allow sex to continue between the parent-figure and child, they allow mothers to terrorize their children by pulling their hair and flinging them around in the name of obedience; they permit abuse to continue. Close friends won’t likely tell you they disagree, at least not sternly.  Chances are, they’re close friends because of your commonalities, and this does not lend itself to any sort of objective review.

The certainty of the spanking is not what causes the child’s behavior to become modified, but instead it is the certainty of the terror and pain they know they will experience at the hands of those they are meant to trust openly and deeply, on every level that is needed by the human mind.  To treat a child in this manner is to betray them at their core.

________________________________________________________________

I do not believe in allowing a child to rule my life or run my day in its entirety (well, some days I am perfectly fine with it actually), though the priority I place with my child and her development and well being often dictates that my day be centered around her.

I believe in a parent’s instinct, and that the child is the priority. My marriage is not suffering because of this priority, nor is the rest of my life or work because all are balanced accordingly, but while my child is young and totally dependent upon me for her survival and development, she will remain my utmost priority.

She cries because she needs something. Sometimes, at 28 months, she cries when she hasn’t gotten her way, and her cries are how she expresses the feelings associated with her not getting what she wanted, just as she wanted it. These cries are not rebellious or wrong. They are her expressing her frustrations, her disappointment, and all the other emotions that she can’t understand yet, but that are there and need an outlet so that she can move on to the next thing her tiny little focus find to dwell on.

If she is prevented from expressing and experiencing her emotions, and allowing them to run their course, at this young age, she begins to turn inward and without any mechanism within her mind to accomplish this inward reflection (that adults and older children have), she experiences an inner turmoil at the deepest part of her.

As she grows, and her mind matures from year to year, with each episode of experiencing emotional response, her mind begins to understand and learns to examine and utilize these emotional responses. In time, instead of outbursts that include crying and fits/tantrums, she is capable of processing these emotions in a more subtle, internal manner. This is not the unhealthy sort of internalizing that is a result of forced coping and survival. This is the sort of internal thought and emotional process that is found in an emotionally healthy, confident and socially functioning adult. This process begins of growth begins at birth (or prior) and completes itself somewhere along the way to adulthood. The timeline for this completion is unique to each individual.

In the case where a child this young persists in crying.. there is a reason.. He is not simply being a “brat”, as Mr. Pearl would have you believe. If he’s 10 years old, he will communicate his reason, and if there is crying, it will only be brief (unless he knows this is the best technique to force his preferences) but at two, his cries are his communication method. He is not manipulating you to the point where you need to strike him, or strike fear in his heart.

If the child is perfectly provided for, you have already addressed all his concerns, he is comfortable and not tired, and is simply crying or throwing a fit in effort to get you to give in to his desires, there is a very simple, non-violent solution. Do not withdraw from the child, do not isolate him by setting him in time-out or off on his own, stuck in his room, etc.. Stay with the child, in visual or audible range, while he/she works through the emotions experienced in response to their desire being refused.

Tell the child, while the child is screaming, that you’re there. Tell them that it’s ok for them to be upset, but that their response is not going to cause you to change your mind. AND don’t let it. If you decided, for instance, to not allow your toddler to play with a certain toy, do not relent and give it to her just to stop her crying or screaming. Just remove the object from where she can see it, or where she will be reminded that she cannot have it, and allow her to be upset.

Within a few minutes, sometimes 30, (I have seen the fits go on for this long on days when the tension in the house is particularly thick, or if she is too tired) and stay with the child. That does not mean you sit there and stare at them, aggravating them further. And that also doesn’t mean you continue to plead your case to them, hoping they will grasp your reasoning; they can’t grasp your refusal of the toy in the first place, there is no way they’ll grasp the abstract thought of why you have refused, etc…

Once the episode dwindles, and they become calm, you can remind them of what they cannot have, by simply stating that you have put it away for the day (or more) and that you will bring it back for them to play when you are ready to.

Then be loving, affectionate, and change the subject/focus to something that they CAN do and will enjoy, without a bunch of restrictions. Now is not the time to engage them in some complicated task where they are doomed to fail somehow and end up in another emotional battle with you.

______________________________________________________________

What Is Childhood Trauma?

By Bob Murray, PhD

Nearly every researcher agrees that early childhood traumas (i.e. those that happen before the age of six) lie at the root of most long-term depression and anxiety, and many emotional and psychological illnesses. Severe traumas can even alter the very chemistry and physiology of the brain itself! Among mental health professionals, and even some childhood development specialists, there is sometimes a lack of understanding over exactly what constitutes childhood trauma.

In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else’s needs. Examples cited in the report include “belittling, degrading or ridiculing a child; making him or her feel unsafe [including threat of abandonment]; failing to express affection, caring and love; neglecting mental health, medical or educational needs.”

The AAP also includes parental divorce in the list of potentially harmful events which can traumatize a child.

Many things on the AAP’s list of factors leading to childhood trauma benefit from further definition. For example, what do “belittling” or “degrading” mean in terms of a child’s development? What actions–or inactions–on the part of parents or child carers would lead little Tommy to feel degraded? Under this category I would include criticism, and even failure to praise him (for accomplishment, for effort as well as just for being a “great kid”), listen to his opinions, and take an interest in his activities or friends. Praise and encouragement are essential to a child’s sense of competence and emotional security, and absence of positive feedback can be extremely damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

Other stressors include parental fighting, domestic violence, and bullying, including failure to curb bullying behavior by siblings or peers. An absence of consistent rules and boundaries also makes a child feel unsafe.

According to the AAP, childhood trauma can also include witnessing community and televised violence. So Tommy may also grow to feel unsafe if he is allowed to watch violent movies or traumatic news footage on TV. In fact violent TV is seen by many researchers as one of the causes of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The important point is that a traumatic event or interaction must be a “repeated pattern” to cause lasting damage. The occasional slap on the wrist probably won’t cause permanent harm; an ongoing pattern of corporeal punishment, or threat of such punishment, almost certainly will.

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Effects of child abuse and neglect

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

  • Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
  • Effects of child abuse and neglectCore feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.
  • Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.

A Tragedy: The Boy Who Behaves as a Child, a Silly, Silly Child.

Source ->

I found this to be an extraordinarily hateful and tragic article.

Perpetually silly boys are an embarrassment to their fathers and a shame to their mothers; moreover, they are the public proof of a father’s neglect and a mother’s indulgence.

Responsibility and fellowship are the two key words. If you see to it that your young men identify with serious people, they will be serious. If they develop a will to suffer the pain of work, they will never suffer from silliness. You can do it, mother. It won’t be any harder for you, a single mother, than it is for the lady whose husband is emotionally absent or is abusive to the children. If there is no man in the family, make one of your son by the time he is eight years old, and you will have a male presence and perspective in the home that both you and he can recognize.

Personally, I believe children are children for a reason, and often acting silly is a part of that.  There are certain places, events, environments, where such behavior is not appropriate, and during those times, the parent simply needs to explain to the child ahead of time that he (in this case, as this article only focuses on boys) must remain reverent, and not behave otherwise.

A silly boy is disgusting and repulsive, because he is the antithesis of all that is attractive in a male. There is no age at which silliness is normal. It is in all circumstances inappropriate. How many times have you heard people say it, “Don’t be silly”? All of my readers could mimic the tone at which it is always uttered—a hurried, dismissive, embarrassment, carrying a presumption that it is out of place and most unbecoming.

So, if your son is generally silly, what can you do to make a man of him?

Yes, it really says this..

The kid who sits in church during communion and gets another kid’s attention by pretending to choke on the bread is one who has no real life of any consequence.

Ok, so, this is one of the instances I referred to above.  If the parent explains to the child before hand, or has done so in the past and the child is aware of the ongoing/long standing rule that reverence is required during this sort of event, then the parent should only need to gently remind the child in a whisper or look if he forgets and gets carried away.  I suppose if it’s bad enough and the child just can’t get a hold of himself, then perhaps he and the parent should excuse themselves until he can.  He’s a child.

A hungry child is never silly. A child in pain is sober. A child who just stacked a cord of fire wood is as serious as a veteran home from the war.

That tells me that in order to have the sort of “kid” that these people are suggesting, perhaps I should use hunger and pain… and honestly, who wouldn’t want a child that carries the burden of an adult, especially one that has experienced war.

To the mothers: Your job is to harden him up and make him tough, and then to release him back to the wild to fend for himself.

Responsibility and fellowship are the two key words. If you see to it that your young men identify with serious people, they will be serious. If they develop a will to suffer the pain of work, they will never suffer from silliness. You can do it, mother. It won’t be any harder for you, a single mother, than it is for the lady whose husband is emotionally absent or is abusive to the children. If there is no man in the family, make one of your son by the time he is eight years old, and you will have a male presence and perspective in the home that both you and he can recognize.

Someone.. please.. shed some insight, some hope for these poor boys.  I’m too worn out at the moment.  I need to purge.

Infant Manifesto (No, I’m not kidding…)

If you can stomach it, reading this will help you at least understand the extent to which this group, and primarily its leader, suffers from deranged insecurity, that masquerades as intelligent, wise, superiority.

– Just go see this -> Infant Manifesto

If, after reading this, you suddenly find yourself hating your manipulating little 14 week old.. please contact me before you begin to employ ANY tactics to rid yourself of this feeling.  I would be happy to listen and help you sort through your feelings. And I can provide you with connections to others who are highly respected that can also assist.

The Soul of Your Child Needs to be Punished – Did He Actually Say That?

What follows are the words of a damaged man who has chosen to continue the destruction.

 

“If you do not see the wisdom in what I have said, and you reject these concepts, you are not fit to be a parent. I pity your children. They will never experience the freedom of soul and conscience that mine do.”   -Michael Pearl    Source

The rod as punishment

If you fail to gain the child’s heart through proper training and chastisement, his self-will may carry him into acts or motives that are evil. When a child has chosen the path of corruption, like anger that results in hurting someone, he has grieved his conscience and is in a psychological state of estrangement from all authority, from God, and from his higher impulses to be good. His guilt will isolate him from the social order and put him beyond the pale of reason and rebuke. It will be the jumping off point into total rebellion. You may see this occur in a child as young as three or four, but more likely in older children.

If you have trained properly, this may never happen to your child, but if it does come to this, you are not helpless. The soul of your child needs to be punished. He feels the need to suffer for his misdeeds. What I am telling you is well understood by the most reprobate of modern psychiatrists and psychologists. They call it a “guilt complex.” Children and adults in this state of mind often do harm to themselves. Their anger is turned inward because they hate the bad person they know themselves to be. Their soul is crying out for justice to be done to the self. They don’t know what is happening, and they will not voluntarily seek punishment, but their soul needs judgment. When your child is in the first throes of this debilitating condition, be kind enough to punish him. Care enough and love enough to pay the emotional sacrifice to give him ten to fifteen licks that will satisfy his need to experience payback.

If you do not see the wisdom in what I have said, and you reject these concepts, you are not fit to be a parent. I pity your children. They will never experience the freedom of soul and conscience that mine do.

“The soul of your child needs to be punished.”

“…be kind enough to punish him. Care enough and love enough to pay the emotional sacrifice to give him ten to fifteen licks that will satisfy his need to experience payback.”

After all, your child is actually asking, nay begging, you to beat them up for their own stupidity and ignorance. Why stop at abuse, hell, if the kid’s asking for it, torture them… SET THEM FREE!

I can’t handle this..

Anyone with the ability to speak with something other than disgust, as in something constructive, have something to add?  I clearly am incapable at this point… Maybe tomorrow.

An Alternative Method of Training Children

It appears I am not the only person with my opinion and ideas…

In the spirit of truth and a desire to provide solid alternatives and support for those who just can’t follow through with the teachings of No Greater Joy Ministries anymore, I am linking to this blog.

–  Muse Mama

I am not yet endorsing what is said in this blog as I haven’t gotten beyond the first page, but I suspect the more I read, the more I will gladly offer my approval.

Four years ago the world lost little Sean Paddock after his mother suffocated him.  She followed the Pearls. When little Sean died, those of us who were already critical of the Pearl’s teachings, spoke out.  We joined in a boycott and tried to share the danger with anyone who would listen.

Now we’ve lost little Lydia Schatz after her parents beat her to death with the plastic tubing the Pearls recommend for child “training”. And after reading this moving blog post at Beauty For Ashes, I don’t think we can continue to believe that only those who are naturally prone to abuse could be devastated by the implementation of the teachings in To Train Up a Child.

I am asking that other parents join in another Boycott. But I think we need to go a bit further than just our blogs.  I think we need to talk to our Pastors, write letters to our Homeschool organizations, write local talk radio hosts who might discuss it, and talk to other parents. We have to get the word out that these methods don’t place the rod of discipline in parents hands, but a loaded gun.  If parents follow these instructions to the letter, it is a manual for child abuse.

Michael Pearl said, in a statement to the press,

We do not teach ‘corporal punishment’ nor ‘hitting’ children. We teach parents how to train their children, which sometimes requires the limited and controlled application of a spanking instrument to hold the child’s attention on admonition.

YES, YOU DO TEACH ‘HITTING’ CHILDREN. Unless you’re advocating that the disciplining tool, in your words Mr. Pearl, the Rod, and Mrs. Pearl, the switch, somehow moves itself against the child’s skin.  Maybe that’s it.. in these houses that practice what the Pearls teach, the tools that make contact in a whack/smack/strike/hit/connect with the skin fashion, move by themselves, it’s not the parents’ who are picking them up and swinging them at the children.