This is absolutely beautifully written. \u00a0I shall direct you to her blog for many more tender morsels that hopefully will encourage you on your journey.<\/p>\n
S O U R C E<\/a><\/p>\n One grey area in the Gentle Parenting debate seems to be what to do about dangerous situations. Many spankers argue that they only find spanking necessary when their children attempt something dangerous, and they feel no compunction against using physical punishment in those cases. I feel qualified to dissect and hopefully expose this argument, because I <\/em><\/strong>was one of those parents. I thought it better to smack my child\u2019s hand then to let him experience a cut or burn.<\/p>\n One of the moments when a child MUST know absolutely that his parents love him- no matter what- is the moment he has found himself in danger. Children need a refuge- a safe place to run. \u00a0Think Prodigal Son. So what happens when, after obeying Mom\u2019s order to come back off the street or to drop the sharp knife, a child is punished? Don\u2019t they need something \u2018for shock value\u2019 just to communicate how terrible that thing was they almost experienced? Shouldn\u2019t a parent \u2018do something\u2019 to inform the child of her fear for him? Pain is a deterrent, right? If my child learns to associate pain with a certain thing- say the oven for example, or the word \u2018hot\u2019- isn\u2019t that a good thing?<\/p>\n Life threatening situations are the one thing that parents think gives them the right to at least punish, and usually spank or confine or both, a child. \u00a0It is our fear speaking in that moment\u2026a fear that often turns to anger at being afraid. We direct that anger towards the child who, \u2018should have known better\u2019. When a child who has never attempted anything dangerous attempts something dangerous (and he\/she will) punishment still doesn\u2019t work. Either the consequences of the act will be enough, or they won\u2019t be- and then a parent\u2019s job becomes to modify the environment or provide supervision until the fascination with the forbidden thing ends.<\/p>\n Maximus learned very early what HOT meant. I\u2019d pour coffee while he was balanced on my hip and he\u2019d reach for it. Over and over every day he\u2019d hear, \u2018Hot! No touch! Hurt baby!\u2019 He stopped reaching for my coffee. A year later we started cooking together. He complied with my instructions regarding the stove and oven. I NEVER expected him at the ripe old age of 3.5 to lay his hand on the burner. Angels must have been working overtime that night, because he barely got burned. A while later, he snuck cheese off of a pizza right out of the oven and burned his fingertips, mouth and his forearm where he laid it against the rim of the pizza pan. That burn has healed- but a red scar remains\u2026 Now when I\u2019m cooking and he gets too close, I remind him, \u2018remember what happened to your arm?\u2019 and he steps away. I watch him as closely now as the 2 year old.<\/p>\n My warnings were not enough. No matter that I had taught him that \u2018Stove\u2019 was \u2018hot\u2019 and \u2018hot\u2019 meant \u2018hurt\u2019 he STILL didn\u2019t understand that a burn equals pain. That is something he would never have understood without the experience. Of course I wish he could have learned that lesson without the pain, but I think we all know life really doesn\u2019t work that way. So many people would suggest I smack his fingers so he \u2018learns\u2019 that if he touches the stove he\u2019ll be hurt. But children do not learn well by conditioned response. This is one area where Dr. Dobson\u2019s reasoning and my experience conflict wildly. When you repeated smack a child\u2019s fingers for touching things, two things happen. The first lesson that the child learns is that it\u2019s bad to touch things, period. That leads to problems later when you wish your child would be interested in trying new things, but you have inadvertently taught her to avoid anything interesting. The second is that the child becomes desensitized to pain in this regard. If you\u2019re a spanker, you\u2019ve probably seen this phenomenon. The shock of the smacking wears off.<\/p>\n Another thing- in regard to \u2018shock value\u2019; Not every child perceives a spanking in the same way. I have realized that Maximus may not feel pain very sharply. Spankings never seemed to have any shock value to them, ever. When I think of the things I tried to get his attention\u2026..I feel sick. That time he burned his forearm? He never told me! He never<\/strong><\/em>complained about it\u2026until the blister popped when he scraped it on something. I never knew it was that bad! It took a month or more in healing and the spot is still <\/strong><\/em>visible.<\/p>\n In regard to running away- into the street, etc. \u2013 Maximus responded quite predictably when I spanked him for running away. He started to run away whenever he thought I was angry with him. When he saw me coming, he ran farther away.\u00a0\ud83d\ude41\u00a0 The first time I got to him and did\u00a0not<\/em><\/strong> spank him\u2026he didn\u2019t know what to think. After a bit, I could call to him, \u2018Maximus stop and wait for me.\u2019 and he would- because he knew I wouldn\u2019t hurt him. A while after that, I could call to him to come back and he would meet me halfway, take my hand and walk calmly back to the house with me, often telling me he was glad I was there.<\/p>\n My point is that when I stopped trying to enforce the wrongness and danger of what he was doing, I started to get the results I was aiming at- Safety!\u00a0 He started to pay attention to me, and take my instructions seriously when I. Calmed. Down. \u00a0That was (not so) coincidentally the same time I actually started\u00a0enforcing<\/em><\/strong> the boundaries for him that I had previously set. I began going out and getting him immediately as soon as he left the house without me (instead of yelling several times). I put a second lock on the screen door that he could not open. I started going outside with him more often- I realized he needed the sunshine and the free space to roam. We took more walks. (I got off my lazy duff) Every time he tried to get out without me, I re-stated the boundary- \u2018You may not go outside without Mommy or Daddy.\u2019<\/p>\n Gradually, he began to stop trying to get out by himself. He started asking to go out more often. One day he asked to go outside when I was cooking and Minimus was napping. I told him I couldn\u2019t go out, but that if he could stay on the porch, he could go out without me. He did! We worked our way up from there, each small success granting him more freedom as my trust in him grew. He had to stay where I could see him from the porch, and he HAD to answer me when I called his name- or he had to come right back in. The amazing thing is that when I needed to go out and bring him in because he had violated those boundaries, he would often come in without a contest! Sometimes I just had to ask, other times I had to go get him, but he didn\u2019t run from me anymore. I had earned HIS trust back once again.<\/p>\n The surest way to help a child deal with danger is to first keep them safe; second, allow room in the boundaries for small developments in safety skills; and third, set a clear boundary and enforce it.<\/p>\n This is absolutely beautifully written. \u00a0I shall direct you to her blog for many more tender morsels that hopefully will encourage you on your journey. S O U R C E The Danger\u00a0Dilemma Posted on\u00a0November 11, 2010 by\u00a0greenegem One grey area in the Gentle Parenting debate seems to be what to do about dangerous situations. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[50,519,56,5,223,225,58,59,231,520,278,283,303,305,521,74,7,387,392],"class_list":["post-741","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-revered","tag-appropriate-behaviors-boundaries","tag-attentive","tag-childrens-needs","tag-discipline","tag-forceful-correction","tag-forcing-compliance-through-pain","tag-foundation","tag-gentle-and-effective-parenting-resources-support","tag-gentle-parenting","tag-intuitive","tag-learned-behavioral-response","tag-live-by-example","tag-natural-consequence","tag-natural-parenting","tag-nonviolent","tag-psychology-of-punishment","tag-punishment","tag-resorting-to-spanking-or-physical-punishment","tag-responses-to-childhood-behavior"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/741","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=741"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/741\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1402,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/741\/revisions\/1402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=741"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=741"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.childhoodrevered.com\/sentient\/parenting\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=741"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
The Danger\u00a0Dilemma<\/h1>\n
\ngreenegem<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"